Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
