Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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