and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize