this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
