"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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