I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
