Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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