Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
