I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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