I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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