She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
