its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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