we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
