How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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