I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
