If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize