i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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