i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
