I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
