I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
