My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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