I'm pants shitting drunk right now
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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