Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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