I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
