I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
