No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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