come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
