Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I look better un-naked...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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