just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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