There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
