it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
