and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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