I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
