that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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