So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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