I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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