Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
