I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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