If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
