I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
