My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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