Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
