It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
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