Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
