I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
this will be a night to untag.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
