Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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