Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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