So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize