i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
