So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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