Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
