go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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