i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
