do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize