just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
