i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
