I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
